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Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales? He wanted to see how much the milky weighed!

A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousn ess or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

Q: Did you know that the three wise men were firemen? A: It says they came from afir (a fire, a far).

How do you prepare a Gorilla sundae? Your start getting it ready Fridae and Saturdae!

I don't know what it is that makes you stupid but whatever it is, it works.

Q: Why couldn't the blonde add 10 and 7 on a calulator? A: She couldn't find the 10 key.

Knock Knock Who's there ! Amy ! Amy who? Amy for the top!

Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!

What do tigers wear in bed ? Stripey pyjamas !

What is yellow on the inside and green on the outside ? A banana dressed up as a cucumber !

Teacher: What's the longest word in the English language ? Pupil: Smiles - because there is a mile between the first and last letters

Q.Why did the cookie go to the doctor? A. He was feeling crummy!

A boy frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?" "No," says his Advisor, "in her biology class."

What was the first think Queen Elizabeth did on ascending to the throne ? Sat down !

Why did Bossy tell the cowpoke to leave her calf alone? She thought children should be seen and not herded!

An old mountain man in Arkansas was sick and bedridden. He had not been outdoors for a few weeks and had a sharp craving for a meal of wild squirrel. He summoned his half-idiot son into the room and instructed him to go squirrel hunting and bring him back a squirrel or two. He also told his son to be very careful not to shoot the squirrel in the head as he would need its brains later to "tan" the squirrel's pelt. (Tanning a skin using the animal's brains is a common practice in certain areas, it generally takes about one brain to tan one skin). The idiot son spent most of the day searching the woods for tree squirrels, but was not having any luck. Finally, high up in a sweet-gum tree, he spotted a squirrel's head sticking out from a hole. He remembered his Pa's admonitions to save the brains. After deciding he may not have another chance, he shot it in the head, thus ruining the brains. r His sick Pa was upset, "I can't tan that skin without no brains!" he said, "Now what am I a gonna do?" Thinking quickly, he remembered that up on the river there were 3 fisheries biologists doing some field work. "Well, we're only tanning one squirrel skin, walk up the river and shoot one of them dang fish biologists and I'll use his brains to tan the skin," he told the son. The son did as he was told and soon returned with the prize. As it turned out, the brain wasn't large enough and the boy was upset as he would have to make another trip to harvest the other two biologist's brains. "Look on the bright side, boy", the old man told him, "Two more ought to be just enough. We'd have been in real trouble if they was BOTANISTS!"

When you are young, you want to be the master of your fate and the captain of your soul. When you are older, you will settle for being the master of your weight and the captain of your bowling team.

Why did the bees go on strike ? Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers !

How does Snoop Dogg keep his canine teeth white? BLEEEEEE-YATCH!

How do you make a Venetian blind? Poke him in the eye


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