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What do cannibals eat for breakfast? Buttered host.

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it. The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."

When do men insist that women are illogical? When a woman doesn't agree with them.

Why did Dracula go to the orthodontist? He wanted to improve his bite.

Who is bigger - Mrs Bigger or Mrs Bigger's baby? Mrs Bigger's baby, because he's a little Bigger.

Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots ? I never make rash promises !

Knock Knock Who's there ! Bettina ! Bettina who ? Bettina minute you'll open this door !

Why did the monster paint himself in rainbow colors? Because he wanted to hide in the crayon box.

What would a pig name a chain of food stores? "Stop "N Slop Markets"

What did the great Ape shout to the pilots who tried to shoot him off the skyscraper? Listen, hotshots, don't monkey around with me!

Knock Knock Who's there ! Bill ! Bill who ? Bill-tup area !

One day a teacher was asking her class to use absolutely in a sentence. So Janet raised her hand and said the sky is absolutely blue, the teacher said no, it is not, sometimes is black or has different colors. Another little boy raised his hand and said "the leaves on the trees are absolutely green" the teacher said no, they could be different colors at different times of the year. Little Johnny raised his hand and asked if there where lumps in farts, the teachers said no, I don't believe so. And Little Johnny said, " well then I absolutely just shit in my pants!!!!"

What do you call a vampire that can lift up cars ? Jack-u-la !

a guy was teased everywhere of his totally noticably bald head! Afta goin thru yrs of this, he decided that he should say sumthin about it! so he stood up on2 the tallest statue and shouted 4 everyone 2 hear: 'I AM NOT BALD, ITS JUST THAT IM TALLER THAN MY HAIR!'

Doctor, Doctor you've taken out my tonsils, my adenoids, my gall bladder, my varicose veins and my appendix, but I still don't feel well. That's quite enough out of you !

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm suffering from Deja Vu! Didn't I see you yesterday?

Did you hear about the man who ate nothing but oats every day? He fell in love with the Grand National winner!

Why is Viagra like Disneyworld? - You have to wait an hour for a three minute ride

Why are you stuffing all that Easter candy into your mouth?" "Because it doesn't taste as good if I stuff it in my ears."

Teacher: In music, if "f" means "forte", what does "ff" mean ? Pupil: Eighty

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