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Jill: How did you find the weather on your vacation? Bill: I just went outside and there it was!
What do you get if you cross a sports reporter with a vegetable ? A common tater !
Why is it tough to compete against a vampire? Because they're always out for blood!
Where does a vampire take a bath? In the bat-room (bathroom).
A man walks into a bar on the top floor of a skyscraper. He sits down and orders a beer. After taking a drink he sees the guy next to him go over to the window and jump out! "Holy cow! Did you see that!? That guy just jumped out the window!" The bartender does nothing. So the man takes another sip. A minute later the same guy walks in, orders another drink, chugs it, and jumps out the window again. "Jesus! He just jumped again!" The bartender ignores the man. So the man sits puzzled. The guy comes back into the bar, and orders another drink. "How did you survive that jump?".."I ordered a floatie drink, if you drink it in a certain amount of time, you can float." So the guy quickly orders a 'floatie' drink. He takes it from the bartender, and chugs it. He then jumps out the window and...SPLAT! Right on the sidewalk! The Bartender then say s, "You know, Superman...you can be a real jerk when you're drunk."
How many bees do you need in a bee choir ? A humdred !
What fish sounds like a telephone? Herring, herring...herring, herring...herring, herring.
What do you call a person who falls onto you on a train ? A laplander !
What kind of horse can swim underwater without coming up for air ? A seahorse !
Why do people go to bed? Because the bed won't come to them.
A woman was in court charged with wounding her husband. "But why did you stab him over a hundred times?" asked the judge. "Oh, your Honor," replied the defendant, "I didn't know how to switch off the electric carving knife."
After the third day of a really torrid honeymoon, the young couple finally emerged from their room and walked into the hotel restaurant. After they were seated, the waiter came over to get their orders. The new husband looked at his bride and said, "You know what I really feel like honey ?" "Well sure," she blushed, "But we gotta eat sometime !"
A man takes his hamster to the vet, and after a short look at the creature the vet pronounces it dead. Not happy with the vet's diagnosis the man asks for a second opinion. The vet gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog. The dog nudges the hamster around with its nose and sniffs it a couple of times before shaking his head. "There" says the vet," Your hamster is dead". Still not happy the man asks for a third opinion. The vet opens the back door and in bounds a cat. The cat jumps onto the table and looks the hamster up and down for a few minutes before looking up and shaking it's head. "It's definitely dead sir", says the vet. Convinced, the man enquires how much he owes. "That will be L1000, please". "A L1000 just to tell me my hamster is dead" fumes the man. "Well", says the vet, "There's my diagnosis, the lab report and the cat scan".
How can you tell if an elephant's been to your birthday party? Look for his footprints in the ice cream.
How come you never write e-mails? I'd rather send a note!
Why do accountants get excited on Saturdays? They can wear casual clothes to work
What did the egg say to the boiling water? "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."
What do you get if you cross a plum with a man eating monster? A purple people eater.
The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don't speak the same language. For instance, Take the simple phrase "secure the building". The Army will post guards around the place. The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors. The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters. The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.
Q. Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover and a stimulating partner? A. In the pages of a romance novel.
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