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There was once a high-powered businessman who insisted on taking his three secretaries everywhere with him - a tall one for writing longhand, a short one for taking down shorthand, and a very small one for adding footnotes.
An Arthur Anderson partner comes back to his office and says to his manager, "Did you get my message where I said, 'Ship the Enron documents to the Feds'?" The manager goes white. "Oh My God! I thought you said rip the Enron documents to shreds."
'I'm very sad to announce this morning, girls, that Miss Jones has decided to retire,' said the principal at morning assembly. ' Now we will all stand and sing this morning's hymn....now Thank We All Our God.'
Q: Why did the bank drive-up window teller have tire tread marks across the back of his grey suit? A: From crawling across the street when the sign said: "Don't Walk."
The world is divided into two groups. There are those who know, and those who don't know. Those who know are no problem. Those who don't know are also in two groups. One is those who don't know and know they don't know. Well, they can learn! But then, there are those who don't know, and don't know they don't know. And they become unit managers!
INTERVIEWER to job applicant: "Do you think you could come up with any reason you want this job other than your parents want you out of their house?"
What business is King Kong in? Monkey business.
Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office. "What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held." "Well," the young man replied, "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."
The farmer goes to town one day and happens to run into his old pal the tractor salesman. "How's business?" asks the farmer. "Not very good, I haven't sold a tractor in months, How are things on the farm?" asked the salesman. "Well-- The other day I went out to the barn to milk that old cow I have. I started milking and she swatted me with her tail, so I tied her tail to the ceiling. I started milking again and she kicked me with her left leg so I tied that to the left side of the stall. I started milking again and she kicked me with her right leg so I tied that one to the right side of the stall. About that time my wife walked in the barn, and if you can convince her that I was just trying to milk that damn cow, I'll buy a tractor from you!!"
A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom, I'll show you how."
A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours." The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."
"Information? I need the number of the Caseway Insurance Company." "Would you spell that, please?" "Certainly. C as in sea. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you." The operator pauses. "Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor . . ."
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces his altitude and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must work in Technical Support," says the balloonist. "I do," replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but completely useless." The man below says: "You must be in management." "I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're still in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, " The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine" said the boss, " But where were you yesterday?"
American businessman was at a pier in a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow-fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied only a little while. The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish? The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs. The American then asked the Mexican how he spent the rest of his time. The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, senor." The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fis hing and, with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat, you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. "You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise." The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this all take?" To which the American replied, "15-20 years." "But what then, senor?" asked the Mexican. The American laughed, and said, "That's the best part! When the time is right, you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public. You'll become very rich, you would make millions!" "Millions, senor?" replied t he Mexican. "Then what?" The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."
Why did the electrician close early on Mondays? Because business was very light.
Boss: "I've decided to use humor in the office. Experts say humor eases tension, which is important in times when the work force is being trimmed. "Knock knock." Employee: "Who's there?" Boss: "Not you anymore."
A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock and found a taker. "I think this one will really move said the broker, it's only $1 a share." "Buy me 1000 shares." said the client. The next day the stock was at $2. The client called the broker and said, "You were right, give me 5000 more shares." The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $4. The client ran to the phone and called the broker, "Get me 10,000 more shares said the client." "Great!" said the broker. The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $9. Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few days, the client ran to the phone and told the broker, "Sell all my shares!" The broker said, "To whom? You were the only one buying that stock."
An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building. "Your workers, they're escaping!" cries the visitor. "You've got to stop them." "Don't worry, they'll be back," says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break. When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, "Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?" "Forget the machines," says the visitor. "How much do you want for that whistle?"
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo-keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts. So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cag e next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo-keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!" but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, " Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
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