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What's another word for a murderer who kills old ladies? A Killergran.
Detective: Do you think I should put on the cuffs? Criminal: Why? You look good in short sleeves.
Fred: We had a burglary last night, and they took everything except the soap and towels. Harry: The dirty crooks.
"Dad," said Fred to his father, who was a bank robber. "I need $50 for the school trip tomorrow." "OK, son," said his dad, "I'll get you the cash when the bank closes."
Why are burglars such good tennis players ? Because they spend such a lot of their time in courts !
What stars go to jail? Shooting stars.
When did the criminal get smart? When the judge threw the book at him.
What kind of thief steals meat? A hamburglar.
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes," said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."
Judge: You claim you robbed the grocery store because you were starving. So why didn't you take the food instead of the cash out of the till? Burglar: Your Honour! I'm a proud man, sir, and I make it a rule to pay for everything I eat.
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community.... and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what go t me into prison in the first place.
Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered!
I think I hear burglars, dear. Are you awake? No!
A police officer was escorting a prisoner to jail when his hat blew off. "Shall I run and get it for you?" asked the prisoner obligingly. "You must think I'm daft," said the officer. "You stand here and I'll get it."
Newsflash: Two criminals have escaped from prison today. One is orange and 9ft tall, and the other green and yellow and 2ft Gin tall. The police are searching high and low for them.
What do you call a robbery in China ? A Chinese take away !
Why do they put a suicide watch on death row prisoners? Why would you care if a man you're planning to kill anyway, kills himself? Does it spoil the fun? I also think about the death row prisoner in Texas who, on the day before his execution, managed to take a drug overdose. They rushed him to a hospital, saved his life, then brought him back to prison and killed him. Apparently, just to anger him.
What three letters in the alphabet frighten criminals? F.B.I.
What did the burglar say to the watchmaker as he tied him up? Sorry to take so much of your valuable time.
What is the difference between a thief and a church bell? One steals from the people, the other peals, from the steeple.
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