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Doctor, doctor, I feel dead from the waist down. I'll arrange for you to be halfburied.

If a woman is born in Italy, grows up in England, goes to America and dies in Baltimore, what is she? Dead.

My brother's a professional boxer. Heavyweight ? No, featherweight. He tickles his opponents to death !

Why did the cowboy die with his boots on ? Because he didn't want to stub his toe when he kicked the bucket !

The man who was about to die said to the Sheriff, "Say, do I really have to die swinging from a tree?" "Course not," replied the Sheriff. "We just put the rope round your neck and kick the horse away. After that it's up to you."

Did you hear someone has invented a coffin that just covers the head? It's for people like you who're dead from the neck up!

What is the difference between a musician and a dead body? One composes and the other decomposes.

When a knight in armour was killed in battle, what sign did they put on his grave ? Rust in peace !

A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs. It takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs. He sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them. As he reaches for one, his wife's wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his and she yells: "No, you can't have those! They're for the funeral!"

A man was sitting in the electric chair. The executioner said, "Look, I'm sorry but I'm going to have to throw the switch in a minute." The man said, "Do me a favor and throw it out the window!"

A chemist, a shopkeeper and a teacher were sentenced to death by firing squad. The chemist was taken from his cell and as the soldiers took aim he shouted "Avalanche!" The soldiers panicked and in the confusion the chemist escaped. The shopkeeper was led out next. As the soldiers took aim he shouted "Flood!" and escaped. The teacher was then lead out. The squad took aim and the teacher, remenbering how the other two had escaped, shouted "Fire!"

What is the last thing you eat before you die? You bite the dust.

Sam was on his death bed, and his wife and children were gathered around him. Suddenly the aroma of chopped liver filled the room. Sam perked up a bit and said to his wife, "That's it, one last time before I die I must have some of your delicious chopped liver." Sam's wife looked at him sadly and said, "Sorry Sam, it's for after."

What lies on the ground 100 feet up in the air and smells? A dead centipede.

Waiter, waiter! There's a dead fly in my soup. Oh no! Who's going to look after his family?

A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. After the editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word, she pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read 'Fred Brown died'." Confounded at the woman's thrift, the editor stammers that there is a 7-word minimum for all obituaries. The woman pauses again, counts on her fingers and replies, "In that case, 'Fred Brown died: 1983 Pick-up for sale'."

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, Sir," the new employee replied. "Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

I've been e-mailing William Shakespeare. William Shakespeare's dead, silly. No wonder he hasn't replied.

Teacher: What can you tell me about the Dead Sea? Pupil: Dead ?, I didn't even know he was sick !

What do you call a man who has been dead and buried for thousands of years? Pete.


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