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Why did the janitor take early retirement? Because he realized that grime doesn't pay.
How many tax advisors does it take to change a light bulb? "In the summer there is a tax deductible convention in Hawaii, dealing exactly with this issue."
At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl. He immediately began paying her court and flattering her. The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was amazed when, after 30 minutes, he seriously proposed marriage. "Look," she reacted. "We only met a half hour ago. How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other." "You're wrong," the young man replied. "For the past 5 years I've been working in the bank where your father has his account."
At the end of camp, Julie won the prize for neatest trunk. Her mother was amazed. 'How did your trunk get so neat?' she asked her messy daughter. 'It was easy,' said Julie. 'I just never unpacked!'
Q: Why did the clown wear loud socks? A: So his feet wouldn't fall asleep.
The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house to see her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door. "What are you doing?" the mother-in-law asked. "I am waiting for my husband to come home from work." the daughter-in-law replied. "Why are you naked?" asked the mother-in-law. "This is my love dress." the daughter-in-law replied. "LOVE DRESS! You are naked." said the mother-in-law "But my husband loves it when I wear this dress. It makes him happy and he makes me happy." said the daughter-in-law. "I would appreciate it if you left now because my husband will be home any minute." The daughter-in-law continued. Soured by all of this romantic stuff, the mother-in-law left. On the way home she thought about the "LOVE DRESS" and got an idea. She undressed, showered, applied her best perfume and waited by the door for her husband to come home. Finally the pickup truck drove up the drive way and she took her place by the door. The father-in-law opened the door and immediately saw his wife naked by the door. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress" the mother-in-law replied. "Maybe you should iron it." he replied.
Freda: Boys whisper they love me. Fred: Well, they wouldn't admit it out loud, would they?
Why can't you keep secrets in a bank? Because of all the tellers.
What's a cow's favourite love song? When I fall in love, it will be for heifer.
How many applicants does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but 200 applied for the job.
My mother-in-law has got so many double chins it looks like she is peering over a pile of pancakes.
Q. What is the bigest pencil in the world? A. Pennsylvania
What do you call an amorous insect? The love bug.
My brother's looking for a girlfriend. Trouble is, he can't find a girl who loves him as much as he loves himself.
Q: Whatever happened to the bedbugs who fell in love? A: They got married in the spring.
How do you get pikachu on to a boat? You pokemon
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemize d accounting of his charges. The engineer responded with the following account: Chalk: $1 Knowing where to put it: $49,999 It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
What kind of hair do oceans have? ...Wavy hair.
Camper: There's a leak over my bunk! Counselor: Don't complain. It only leaks when it rains.
What do you call a bell wearing a tutu ? A bellerina !
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