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Did you hear about the idiot who planted Cheerios in his backyard? He thought they were donut seeds.
What did the stupid ghost do? He used to climb over walls.
Slim walked into his local post office and noticed a new sign on the wall: MAN WANTED FOR ROBBERY IN MONTANA "Gosh!" he said, "If n only that job was in Texas, Ah'd take it!"
Did you hear about the fool who keeps going round saying "no"? No. Oh, so it's you!
Calvin went to Pearson's Pet Shop to complain that his canary wouldn't sing. "File the beak just a little," said the owner, "and the bird will sing. But if you file it too much, the canary will die." Two weeks later Pearson ran into Calvin on the street and asked about his canary. "He died," said Calvin. "But I told you not to file the beak too much." "I didn't," explained Calvin, "but by the time I got him out of the vise, he was already dead."
I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.
Why did Silly Sue throw her guitar away ? Because it had a hole in the middle.
Did you hear about the Puerto Rican secretary who was getting so experienced she could type twenty mistakes a minute?
How does a Russian Aeroflot pilot navigate? By reading street signs.
Personnel Director: What would you do if you broke your arm in two places? Vanderkron: I wouldn't go to these places no more!
I saw a pen in a store the other day. I picked it up and took a look at it cause it was prettier than most. The clerk said, "It's made in Germany". I said, "That's too bad, I can't use it then". The clerk said, "What's the matter? You don't like German pens?" I said, "No. I just never learned to write German."
Why did the Aggie call 911 in the car wash? - He thought he saw the rotating car washer as a tornado
Why did the idiot drive his pickup truck over the side of the cliff? He wanted to try out his new air brakes.
Did you hear about the Irishman who tried to swim the English channel? Halfway across he decided he couldn't make it so he swam back.
Henderson bought a new car and, after he left the showroom, decided to catch a movie. When he came out, Henderson noticed he'd locked the car and left the keys in the ignition. He telephoned the dealer. "Which is the cheapest window to break?" he asked. "You don't have to break any of the windows," explained the dealer. "I'll come right down with another key and we can open it together." "No, no!" shouted the new car owner. "I gotta know now! It's about to rain and I wanna put the top up!"
Titus was on a Knoxville elevator with several other people. As the elevator moved up, he stared at the small fan revolving slowly in the elevator ceiling. "It's amazing," he said to the other people, "that such a small fan could lift all these people!"
Wyatt, Milford and Calhoun were standing one on top of the other trying to measure a flag pole. A man passing by yelled up to them, "Why don't you guys just take down the pole, lay it down on the ground and measure it?" "We don't wanna measure the length, mister!" Wyatt sneered. "We wanna measure the height!"
What do you call a stupid skeleton? Bonehead.
A stupid glazier was examining a broken window. He looked at it for a while and then said, "It's worse than I thought. It's broken on both sides."
How do Alaska CB radio operators say "10-4"? "5-5-2-2."
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