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A sailor in the Navy who had been at sea for a long time was anxious to be reunited with his girlfriend, so he sent her the following message a few days before his ship was due back in port: "I have missed you so much and I can't wait to make love to you. I want you to come down to the pier to meet me, and I want you to bring the station wagon and have a mattress ready in the back so we can do "it" as soon as I step ashore." The young lady who was just as anxious to make love, sent him a reply: "I will get the station wagon ready as you said, but you had better be the first one off that ship, sailor, because I am not checking I.D. cards."
The first woman recruit in the Army reported for duty and was told that although her quarters would be in a separate building, she was to mess with the men. It wasn't until four weeks later someone finally told her that meant to eat her meals with them.
Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots? A: You only have to teach them to take off.
A trooper asks a sergeant: - Is it true that man descended from a monkey? - Yes, troopers possibly were. But not sergeants.
The Pentagon once did a study on why so many American Servicemen marry women in the countries where they're stationed. Contrary to popular belief, loneliness had nothing to do with it. Once the men rotated back to the US, all their in-laws were thousands of miles away.
- Who likes music? - asks a commander. - Two soldiers step forward. - All right. I bought a piano. Take it to my apartment on the fourth floor.
The story goes that Air Force One was over the UK a few years ago and called up a USAF base "Requesting Radar". "What is you position?" asked ATC "You got radar you find us" Air Force One replied. After a few minutes ATC announced "Air Force One we're changing frequency" "What frequency are you changing to?" asked Air Force One "You've got 720 channels - you find us!" ATC replied.
Q. "Why do the commodes in Marine barracks have the cut-out type seats?" A. "So that if the seat falls while they're drinking, it won't smack them in the back of the head"
Colin Powell, once USA's highest ranking military officer, (now Secretary of State), loves to relate this incident from his Vietnam days. It shows the importance of clear objectives. Finding an outpost at a very vulnerable spot, Powell decided to investigate why it was location was chosen. He was assured that it was a very important outpost. "What's it's mission?" " To protect the airfield!" "What's the airfield here for?" "To resupply the outpost!"
Q: How many British navy Officers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but it takes him seven weeks to get there.
Q: How many Pentagon procurement officers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Look, for only $87 billion, we can put up this chain of fluorescent satellites that will illuminate the whole planet.
Q: "How many members of the coalition does it take to screw in a light bulb?" A: "We are not prepared to comment on specific numbers at this time."
Paddy 'n' Mick join the army, and are put on street patrol in a city with a military curfew. They are given instructions to shoot anybody who's on the streets after 6 o'clock. So one day, they're out at twenty to 6, when Paddy spots a man walking on the other side of the street. He lines up the man in his sights and shoots the man dead. Mick is shocked. "What are you doin', Paddy? It ain't 6 yet!" "I know what I'm doin'. I know where he lives and he wouldn't have made it!"
Q: What does Saddam want for Thanksgiving ? A: Turkey.
Q: How many Honor Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 22, one to screw it in, 21 to shoot the bulb.
The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily. "Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here." The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late. "Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here." The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily. "Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..." "Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down." "No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."
A retired sergeant was asked: "Well, how do you like civilian life?" "Terrible," he said gruffly, "all those people around and nobody in charge!"
Q: What is the best Iraqi job ? A: Foreign Ambassador
A trio of old veterans were bragging about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall. "My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh." "Mine," boasts another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn." "I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world." "Really? What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know. "Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."
A general calls a colonel: - Do you have a couple of smart majors? - Yes I do. - Send them to me. I need to move my furniture around.
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