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Q: What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone? A: A Rolling Stone says "hey you, get off of my cloud!", while a Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"

Q: What's the definition of a gentleman? A: One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!

Q: Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?" A: The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."

Q: What is the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section? A: Half a measure.

A tourist is sightseeing in a European city. She comes upon the tomb of Beethoven, and begins reading the commerative plaque, only to be distracted by a low scratching noise, as if something was rubbing against a piece of paper. She collars a passing native and asks what the scratching sound is. The local person replies, "Oh, that is Beethoven. He's decomposing."

Q: How do you get a viola section to play spiccato? A: Write a whole note with "solo" above it.

Q: How do know a clarinet player is playing loud? A: You can almost hear them.

Q: How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door? A: The doorbell shrieks!

Q: How many lead trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Fifty. One to do it and the others to stand around and say, "I could do that better.

Tuba Player: Did you hear my last recital? Friend: I hope so.

Q: What is the difference between a trombone and a trumpet? A: A trombone will bend before it breaks.

Q: Why does everyone hate a banjo right off? A: Saves time.

Knock Knock Who's there ! Bach ! Bach who ? Bach to work!

Q. What did the bagpiper get on his I.Q. test? A. Drool.

Q: Why shouldn't violists take up mountaineering? A: Because if they get lost, it takes ages before anyone notices that they're missing.

Q: If you were out in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus? A: The out-of-tune sax player! You were hallucinating the other two.

Q: Why did the boy bring a ladder to chorus? A: He wanted to sing higher!

Q: What's the definition of a nerd? A: Someone who has his or her own alto clarinet.

Q. What's the difference between a lawnmower and a bagpipe? A. You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it.

Q: How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs? A: By their names.

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