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Next time you shave, try standing an inch or two closer to the blade.

I believe in respect for the dead; in fact, I could only respect you if you WERE dead.

When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?

They say that travel broadens oneself. You must have been around the world.

My kid got your honor student pregnant!

Nice to see you on your feet. Who sent the derrick?

Believe me, I don't want to make a monkey out of you. Why should I take all the credit?

You never strike out blindly; you fail in the light.

Shouldn't you have a license for being that ugly?

All that you are you owe to your parents. Why don't you send them a penny and square the account?

So you finally managed to get the last laugh [word]; a long time ago.

You should learn from your parents mistakes - try using some birth control.

You have no trouble making ends meet. Your foot is always in your mouth!

You have a face only a mother could love -- and she hates it!

I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.

Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.

You are the only person I've ever met whose mind is filthy and sterile at the same time!

You're so ugly they know what time you were born, because your face stopped the clock!

How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?

Nobody says that you are dumb. They just say you were sixteen years old before you learned how to wave goodbye.

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