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"Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing every weekend?" asked Jane's best friend. "Why shouldn't I?" said Jane. "Well, maybe he is having an affair?" "No way" said Jane "he never returns with any fish..."

Wanting to lose weight, a woman placed a picture of a shapely, pinup model in her refrigerator to remind her of her goal. The reminder worked like a charm as the woman discovered that she had lost ten pounds in the first month of using this method. The downside to this was that her husband spent so much time going into the fridge to look at the picture that he ended up gaining fifteen pounds.

First monster: I have a hunch. Second monster: I thought you were a funny shape.

Why don't blondes like to make Kool-Aid? They can't get eight cups of water into that little packet.

Doctor: 'Your recovery was a miracle!' Patient: 'PRAISE GOD. Now I don't have to pay you!'

Two men were remembering their wedding days. "It was dreadful," said Fred. "I got the most terrible fright." "What happened?" asked Harry. "I married her," replied Fred.

Why can't you trust snakes ? They speak with forked tongues !

A trooper asks a sergeant: - Is it true that man descended from a monkey? - Yes, troopers possibly were. But not sergeants.

Did they play tennis in ancient Egypt? Yes, the bible tells how Joseph served in Pharoah's court!

What do you call a rabbit that plays with foxes? A dumb bunny.

Q: What is the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax? A: You can tune the lawnmower and the owner's neighbors don't mind if you don't return the sax when you borrow it.

The Garlic Eater by I Malone

Dawn was breaking over the camp grounds. Tony and Steve were lying in their tent. 'That was a terrible thunder and lightening storm last night,' Tony announced. Steve turned to him and said, 'Why didn't you wake me up? You know I can't sleep during a storm!'

How does a witch make scrambled eggs? She holds the pan and gets two friends to make the stove shake with fright.

Knock Knock Who's there ! Ben and Anna! Ben and Anna who ? Ben and Anna split!

What is red and dangerous ? Strawberry and tarantula jelly !

Why did the vampire stand at the bus stop with his finger up his nose? He was a ghoulsnif fer.

In the summer desert heat, what did a dust devil say to the over-talkative dust devil? -You are really blowing a lot of hot air

How are you doing in arithmetic ? I've learned to add up the zeros, but the numbers are still giving me trouble.

What does Father Christmas call that reindeer with no eyes? No-eyed-deer!

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