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What lies on the ground 100 feet up in the air and smells? A dead centipede.

What did the baby dolphin do when he didn't get his way? He whale-d

Why are burglars such good tennis players ? Because they spend such a lot of their time in courts !

Who is the greatest painter of this century? Pigcasso!

I'd say he was spineless. Yes, about as spineless as cooked spaghetti.

Why did the nurse always insist on using the rectal thermometer to obtain temperatures? Because nurses are taught in nursing school to always look for her patient's best side.

What's a bees favourite flower ? A bee-gonias !

Q. Why do men buy electric lawn mowers? A. So they can find their way back to the house.

Two blondes rented a fishing boat, and were having a great day catching fish. The first blonde said "This is such a great spot, we need to mark it so we can come back." The second blonde proceeded to put a mark on the side of the boat. The first blonde asked "What are you doing?" The second blonde replied "Marking the spot." "Don't be stupid" the first blonde said. "What if we don't get the same boat next time?"

Knock Knock Who's there ! Burglar ! Burglar who ? Burglars don't knock !

What was King Arthur's favourite game? Knights and crosses!

How did the dog feel when he lost his flashlight? Delighted.

This Marine drill instructor, completely frazzled by the ineptitude of his recruits, burst into a blue streak of swearing hot enough to blister paint. He broke off suddenly when he noticed one of the recruits had been talking in ranks. "WHAT WAS THAT YOU SAID, RECRUIT??" the drill sergeant hollered. In a quivering voice, the recruit replied, "I said, to myself, Drill Sergeant Sir, 'if that sucker thinks I'm going to stand here and take his crap . . . well, he's certainly an uncanny judge of character.

Q. What has one horn and gives milk? A A milk truck.

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a container of yogurt? A: Yogurt has culture.

Q: How many Virgos does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Let's see: One to spot the bulb, one to record the time the bulb burned out and the date it was bought, one to decide who's fault it is the bulb burned out and ask why that brand was chosen in the first place, ten to decide to remodel the house as long as they're changing the bulb

Did you hear about the overweight man who took up horse riding as exercise? The horse lost 15 pounds in a week!

Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers? People were confused about which side to spit on.

Why did the two boa constrictors get married ? Because they had a crush on each other !sna

Why was the lightning grilled on the stove? -To make heat lightning

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