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A first grade teacher explained to her class that she is a liberal Democrat. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were liberal Democrats, too. Not really knowing what a liberal Democrat was, but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands flew up into the air. There was one exception. A girl named Lucy had not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a liberal Democrat." "Then," asks the teacher, "What are you?" "Why I'm a proud conservative Republican," boasts the little girl. The teacher, a little perturbed and her face slightly red, asked Lucy why she is a conservative Republican. "Well, I was brought up to trust in myself instead of relying on an intrusive government to care for me and do all of my thinking. My Dad and Mom are conservative Republicans, and I am a conservative Republican too." The teacher, now angry, loudly says, "That's no reason! What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron? What would you be then?" The teacher paused and smiled. "Then," Lucy said, "I'd be a liberal Democrat."
Why did the Scottish cannibal live on a sugar plantation? He said ''So that I can feed my lads with m'lasses!
What tea do footballers drink? Penaltea!
On a flight with EasyJet back in 1997 the pilot made what can only be describes as an extremely heavy landing at Luton. It was very early in the morning and a number of passenger around me looked quite alarmed as, apart from the noise, a number of overhead lockers dropped open and several items of carry-on luggage were launched down the aisle. After slowing up, the aircraft turned off the runway and turned towards the stand and over the PA came "Good morning ladies gentlemen, this is Captain Smith, welcome to Luton...and if any of you were asleep...I bet you're not now!"
When do ghosts usually appear? Just before someone screams.
What letter is like a vegetable? The letter P.
Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat? A: In case she locks the keys in her car.
Why did the dog wear white sneakers ? Because his boots were at the menders !
Q: Why does everyone love cats? - A: They're purr-fect!
When Fred was applying for a credit card, the manager of the credit card company asked him if he had much money in the bank. "I have," said Fred. "How much?" asked the manager. "I don't know exactly," said Fred, "I haven't shaken it lately."
Did you hear about the man in the electric chair who asked the executioner to reverse the charges ?
What should you say to a pig on roller skates? Don't say anything. Just get out of the way.
Yo mama head so big she has to step into her shirts.
Q: What will you never say about a banjo player? A: That's the banjo player's porsche.
A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter (who wasn't blonde any longer, but just had to be at one time) that her mother didn't make it. "Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!" the former blonde asked.
When pigs have a party, who jumps out of the cake? Nobody. The pigs all jump in.
What do you call a man with a rabbit up his jumper ? Warren !
What did the blonde's mother say when she asked if she could lick the bowl? "Just flush it like everybody else does."
What do snowmen call their offspring? Chill-dren.
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