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Funny Jokes post to Friends profiles Share to Facebook BE FUNNY. Get Joke content to share on social media. Random Jokes to Post on Social Networks like Facebook get more amazing Joke content.What do you call a vampire that can lift up cars ? Jack-u-la !
How do you make a hamburger smile? Pickle it gently!
What is green, sooty and whistles when it rubs its back legs together ? Chimney Cricket !
Do you know how to catch a squirrel? Climb a tree and act like a nut!
Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer? Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.
Hatton: I ain't as dumb as I look! Folsom: You couldn't be!
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But, officer," the man began, "I can explain" "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say" "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
Why did the piglets get in trouble in their biology class? They ate all the specimens.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde? A: You don't. They're born that way.
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court ? He heard the referee calling fowls
When the picture of the vampire's grandmother crashed to the floor in the middle of the night what did it mean? That the nail had come out of the wall.
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a butterfly Will you say what you mean and stop flitting about!
Customer: I think I've got a bug in my computer. Repairman: Does your computer make a humming noise? Customer: Yes. Repairman: Then it must be a humbug!
I went on a long bicycle ride yesterday. Farcical?
What's the best thing about deadly snakes ? They've got poisonality !
This guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him and shows him the doors to three rooms and says he must choose one of the rooms to spend eternity in. So Satan opens the first door. In the room there are people standing in cow manure up to their necks. The guy says "No, please show me the next room". Satan shows him the next room and this has people with cow manure up to their noses. And so he says no again. Finally, Satan shows him the third and final room. This time there are people in there with cow manure up to their knees drinking cups of tea and eating cakes. So the guy says, "I'll choose this room". Satan says O.K. The guys is standing in there eating his cake and drinking his tea thinking, "Well, it could be worse", when the door opens. Satan pops his head around, and says "O.K. tea-break is over. Back on your heads!"
An aircraft is about to crash. There are five passengers on board, but unfortunately only 4 parachutes. The first passenger says, "I'm Shaquille O'Neill, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers need me, it would be unfair to them if I died." So he takes the first parachute and jumps. The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, says, "I am the wife of the former President of the United States. I am also the most dedicated woman in the world, a Senator in New York and America's potential future President". She takes one of the parachutes and jumps. The third passenger, George W. Bush, says, "I am the President of the United States of America. I have a huge responsibility in world politics. And apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of the country and I have a responsibility to my people not to die." So he takes a parachute and jumps. The fourth passenger, th e Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a ten year old schoolboy, "I am already old. I have already lived my life, as a good person and a priest I will give you the last parachute". The boy replies "No problem your Pope-ness, there is also a parachute for you. America's most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag."
Did you hear about the new shark food restaurant called Jaws? It costs an arm and a leg to eat there!
This old lady was complaining to her friend about a little problem she had with vaginal itch. Her friend suggested that maybe she had an STD. The old lady replied "that's impossible because I am a virgin". To solve the problem the old lady went to the doctor for check up. After the exam the doctor said: " I have good news and bad news, the good news is that you are clean of all STD'S. The bad news is that you have fruit flies because your cherry is rotten"
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces his altitude and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must work in Technical Support," says the balloonist. "I do," replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but completely useless." The man below says: "You must be in management." "I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're still in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
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