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Did you hear about the cannibal who commited suicide? He got himself into a real stew.
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Crash Test Barbie ...comes with car and brick wall
Which operetta make the Gorilla crack up? Nutty Marietta!
Q: Where does Napolean keep his armies? A: In his sleevies!
Why are chorus girls like barge horses? They have to tow the line!
Yo mama so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"
A movie producer is lying by the pool at the Beverly Hilton. His partner arrives in a great state of excitement. "How'd the meeting go?" asks the first guy. "It went great," says his buddy. "Tarentino will write and direct for six million, Mel Gibson will star for eight, and we can bring in the whole picture for under fifty million." "Fabulous," says the guy by the pool. "There's just one catch," his partner warns. "What's the catch?" "We have to put up ten thousand in cash".
Today I saw a baby who had put on five stone in weight in two weeks by drinking elephant's milk. Whose baby was it? The elephant's!
A seargent is interviewing three cadets who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first cadet a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first cadet answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The seargent says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second cadet and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second cadet smiles, and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?!" Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third cadet and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer." The cadet looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses." The seargent is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?" "That's easy," the cadet replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
Why were the two managers sitting around sketching crockery before the start of the game? It was a cup draw!
Why are mosquitos religious ? They prey on you !
Knock Knock Who's there ! Benny ! Bennny who ? Benny thing happening !
When Fred was applying for a credit card, the manager of the credit card company asked him if he had much money in the bank. "I have," said Fred. "How much?" asked the manager. "I don't know exactly," said Fred, "I haven't shaken it lately."
Q: Why did the bowlegged cowboy get fired? A: Because he couldn't keep his calves together!
What sort of net is useless for catching fish ? A football net !
Three firefighters went out on a hunting trip. There was a rookie, a captain, and a chief. The weather was misrable and they hadn't seen any deer all day. They came across an old shack where they went inside to play a game of poker. After loosing a couple of hands, the rookie threw down his cards and said "that does it! I am going out to get me a deer." Fifteen minutes later, the rookie came back with a nice four point buck. The captain and chief asked, "how did you get that?" The rookie replied, "I walked out fifty feet, followed some tracks and shot this buck". The captain then said, "I've had enough of this I am going to get my deer." He came back a half hour later with a 6-point buck. The chief asked, "how did you get that?" The captain replied, "I walked out a hundred feet, followed some tracks and shot this buck." The chief not wanting to be out done said "I am out of here, I am g oing to bag the biggest buck of the day." He came back an hour later, all mangled up and bloody. The rookie and captain asked, "what happened to you?" The chief replied, "I walked out there five hundred feet, followed some tracks, and got hit by a train."
What do you get when you put a car and a pet together ? Carpet !
One day there was a blonde riding a horse. The horse kept going faster and faster until the blonde fell off, with her foot getting stuck in the stirrup. Hearing her screams for help, finally a Wal-Mart clerk came over and turned off the merry-go-round.
Fred's new girlfriend uses such greasy lipstick that he has to sprinkle his face with sand to get a better grip.
First cannibal: We had burglars last night. Second cannibal: Did they taste good?
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