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The criminal mastermind found one of his gang sawing the legs off his bed. "What are you doing that for?" demanded the crook boss. "Only doing what you ordered," said the stupid thug. "You told me to lie low for a bit!"
Q: Why do blondes put rulers on their foreheads? A: They want to measure their intelligence.
"Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing. I told my computer that today is my birthday, and it said that I needed an upgrade."
What happens if a big hairy monster sits in front of you at the movie theater? You miss most of the film.
Q3: What did the female dinosaur call her blouse making business? A: Try Sara's Tops
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?" When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary, and the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior," but Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue, and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary, and the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one m ore time, I'll break it in half!"
Men are like coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Cork ! Cork who ? Cork and beans !
Does your brother keep himself clean? Oh, yes. He takes a bath every month whether he needs one or not.
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a duck? A bird that lays down !
One of the bachelors in the apartment development sneaked up behind an older woman, covered her eyes with his hands, and said, "I'm going to kiss you if you can't tell me who I am in three guesses." She quickly answered, "George Washington! Thomas Jefferson! Abraham Lincoln!"
Is this Love? by Midas Wellbee
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift? Exchange him.
Q: Which is easier for a man to leave: the women or the Wine? A: It depends on the age.
Why do people go to bed? Because the bed won't come to them.
Q: How many Microsoft support staff does it take to change a light bulb? A: Four. One to ask "What is the registration number of the light bulb?", one to ask "Have you tried rebooting it?", another to ask "Have you tried reinstalling it?" and the last one to say "It must be your hardware because the light bulb in our office works fine..."
Jill's car was unreliable and she called John for a ride every time it broke down. One day John got yet another one of those calls. "What happened this time?" he asked. "My brakes went out," Jill said. "Can you come to get me?" "Where are you?" John asked. "I'm in the drugstore," Jill responded. "And where's the car?" John asked. Jill replied, "It's in here with me."
Judge: Why did you steal that bird? Prisoner: For a lark, sir.
George W. Bush and Osama bin Laden are having a conversation via Al Jazeera television. Bin Laden tells George Bush, "There is no point of engaging in further war. I can see total peace in the future!" George Bush replies, "Oh yeah and tell me what you see?" Osama answers, "I can see New York, with new great buildings on one side and beautiful new buildings on the other side, and everything is peaceful and wonderful." George Bush says, "Wow is that what you see? Well I'll tell ya what I see for the future of Afghanistan... I see a house here, a house there, a small building here and small building there, but there are signs hanging in the middle of the street." Osama asks, "And what do they say?" George answers, "Hell, I don't know. I can't read Hebrew!"
After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow up. "That's okay with us," the mother said, "But what made you decide to be a minister?" "Well," the boy replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen.
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