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Why do goalkeepers spend ages on the Internet? Because they can't stop saving their work.

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?" Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

What do ghosts say when a girl footballer is sent off ? Ban-she, ban-she !

Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb? A. Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant. "You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter." "Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"

What kind of shoes to frogs like ? Open toad sandals !

yo mama so stupid she worked at an m&m factory and threw out all the W's.

What did one tooth say to the other tooth? "Thar's gold in them thar fills."

Yo mama so lazy that she came in last place in a recent snail marathon.

If an accountant's wife cannot sleep, what does she say? "Darling, could you tell me about your work."

Teacher: Why does the statue of liberty stand in New York harbour? Pupil: Because it can't sit down!

What do snowmen call their offspring? Chill-dren.

Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head? A: A Space Invader.

When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?" "Why, it's bean soup," she replied. "I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?"

What is red and dangerous ? Strawberry and tarantula jelly !

How do you define an aardvark? Aan aanimal that resembles an aanteater!

Q: How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs? A: By their names.

What are spiders webs good for ? Spiders !

'Mum,' yelled Johnny from the kitchen, 'you know that dish you were always worried that I would break ?' 'Yes dear, what about it ?' 'Well your worries are over.'

Mrs Smith, the biology teacher, was very fond of fish. She was also rather deaf, which was great for the children in her class. "What Mrs Smith needs," said one of her colleagues, "is a herring-aid."

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